Appetite? Ah, yes. Cancer treatment is wrecking all sorts of havoc with my appetite. At the very beginning of treatment, during my second infusion, when the nurse asked if I’d like something to eat, I said, “Yes please. I’m weirdly, insanely hungry!” She said, “Oh that’s not weird, dear. It’s the steroids giving you an appetite spike. That’s why I asked if you’d like something to eat.”
In my head I heard alarm warbles and saw flashing red lights. Holy! I spent five years developing and adopting a mindful, healthy eating program resulting in letting go of 85 pounds. With her statement, I remembered what I knew of the double whammy of steroids—they increase appetite and decrease metabolism. No thank you! I’m not going backwards. I am not succumbing to a necessary chemical in my treatment that twists my mind into thinking that fat and sugar and lots of white food is what I need, no, what I deserve, and at the same time that chemical inhibits my body’s ability to deal with the excess empty calories. Nope.
Before my food transition, my eating was so dysfunctional that I really had no idea what was appetite-driven and what was the miscarriage of a battered mind. Since then, I’ve spent years acting as if I was a healthy eater, seeing myself as one who is in control of eating for nutrition and true joy. I’d say, “How odd I’m eating this Oreo. I don’t want trans fats in my body. I take better care of myself than this. This does not even actually taste good!” I’d toss the processed, horrible cookie in the trash and go in search of something better, maybe frozen grapes to pair with a lightly salted and peppered hard-boiled egg. I was unrelenting in this method of internal dialog and behavior. Sometimes I was successful; sometimes I told myself to shut up and I’d backslide. Ultimately, I managed to accustom my mind and my body to a preference for better nutrition and really clean, healthy food.
I’ve heard horror stories of people gaining lots of weight behind steroids; 25, 50 pounds and more. I hear that information and take it as information to help me with my commitment and vigilance with the food aspect of my mission of cancer remission.
As soon as I was diagnosed, three docs said, “… and stop losing weight for now.” I was 15 pounds shy of my goal weight. I had just slipped below the border of obese for the first time since early childhood, into the land of just overweight. Their words were scary for one who has been through what I have with food. It was like telling an alcoholic (and I am a sober alcoholic) that a glass of red wine each night would be good for the heart. Still, I did not resist the “pause” because my focus on weight loss as I have aged has finally become primarily about health. Their words were not a signal for a free-for-all of crazy eating. Now I consider most everything I eat in terms of what it will do for me and what it will do to me. It’s a part of my adaptation to managing and living with cancer to lean into lots of really healthy food.